Writing has always been a part of me.
But I have always rather felt that if I write it, it is meant to be read by someone other than just me.
The truth is, some of my current truths are not quite ready to be read. One day they will be. But just now, some of the things I might say might hurt other people, so for now they have to remain in stasis.
It is funny, isn't it? Some things I have no issue being honest about, sometimes brutally so. But other times, like now, I keep it under a little shell.
My friend Peter, whom I have referred to before here, has told me to just do it. Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead, let the chips fall where they may... that sort of thing. And part of me agrees with him.
This is a strange little conundrum. Things tend to build to a tipping point, and at some point I think I will explode (in a literary sense) and just put it all down and put it out there.
I don't mean to sound dramatic, and certainly do not mean to tease or worry anyone. And I know you all will get it. My blog clan.
Thank the Goddess you are still here. My constants. I have never stopped thinking of you all. Never stopped knowing you are there. Peter is another of my constants. A friend I know I can always count on to listen, or kick me in the ass, but never judge me.
And I am so grateful for you all.
Back again soon,
Much love,
Stevie
Thursday, May 17, 2018
Saturday, April 21, 2018
Kicking and screaming... or embracing and rocking it?
Aging.
I know it is a blessing. I have lost friends younger than I am now, have watched more go through tremendous battles with life threatening illness.
And I am blessed.
But I am also resisting it. Most especially, my true hair.
I don't know why my hair has always been such a tender spot on my self esteem, but it has been, and is.
I was a salon-assisted redhead for so long that when I started to transition away from it, people were shocked I had changed my "natural red" for anything else. My skin colouring loaned authenticity to my auburn locks I suppose. It looked right.
But I turned away from the red because my new natural silver highlights (or as my hair stylist likes to refer to it, my "mature blond") was making the roots far too obvious.
Now, with a medium brown base and dark copper highlights, I am still battling the roots. And frankly, I am tired of it. Not just the expense, though that is a serious consideration, but the feeling like I am cheating somehow. Like I am lying to all and sundry. I am tired of it. And if I am to be frank, I don't want to wander about in between dye jobs with half an inch of roots showing. I would cost hundreds to keep it perfect all the time, and I can think of far better uses for that money. How freeing it would be to just let it grow.
Walking away from red hair last year was a shatteringly difficult thing to do. I was not prepared for how emotional I was going to be, how strongly I identified myself with my red hair. It was like I had given up a piece of my identity. A piece of my soul.
Now, in deciding to go even further and have my hair lightened to what is apparently my natural colour (dark ash blond, I am told, though I have not seen it other than in a half inch of roots for decades) with a healthy dose of silver, I am rocketing between a feeling of freedom and absolute panic.
And why? I suppose it is society, that expectation that you will not age, or that you will fight it tooth and nail. And while there is a definite trend towards embracing our grey and white and silver hair, I still think it will be a sign I have given up, that I am getting older, not trying, or some other such tripe.
And it is tripe, isn't it?
I have heard people, men mostly, state they are "not ready to have a wife with grey hair."
That statement in and of itself angers me, yet I have allowed it to sway me. Greatly, it seems. It is fine for a man to have silver or grey, but Goddess forbid a woman let it happen.
I love when I see other women say to hell with it and let their natural colours free. I laud it.
But do I have the courage?
I have decided I need to do it. This summer I think. My stylist James has suggested we take out the dark colour, get it as close as possible to my natural hue, and add a couple of blocks of startling silver near the front where it is already the heaviest concentration. I can always add a little purple or bright blue to funk things up. And a new sassy cut, a little shorter than I am now, one that will not take forever to grow out the hair damaged by all the chemical intervention.
Hair. My damned hair. I have threatened a time or two to just shave it all off and let it grow out as it pleases. But I know I would regret that, and I have been there, done that.
I don't know just why I am so tender about it. But in the end, it is just hair. And I am nearly 50, dammit. I think I have earned the right to do as I please without regard for anyone else's thoughts on what MY hair should look like.
And still I teeter between those emotions.
Poor James. The hysterics that have occurred in his chair when I have made drastic changes before must have him almost breathing in relief at the thought of me deciding to go natural. Or mostly natural. We will see what the summer brings!
I know it is a blessing. I have lost friends younger than I am now, have watched more go through tremendous battles with life threatening illness.
And I am blessed.
But I am also resisting it. Most especially, my true hair.
I don't know why my hair has always been such a tender spot on my self esteem, but it has been, and is.
I was a salon-assisted redhead for so long that when I started to transition away from it, people were shocked I had changed my "natural red" for anything else. My skin colouring loaned authenticity to my auburn locks I suppose. It looked right.
But I turned away from the red because my new natural silver highlights (or as my hair stylist likes to refer to it, my "mature blond") was making the roots far too obvious.
Now, with a medium brown base and dark copper highlights, I am still battling the roots. And frankly, I am tired of it. Not just the expense, though that is a serious consideration, but the feeling like I am cheating somehow. Like I am lying to all and sundry. I am tired of it. And if I am to be frank, I don't want to wander about in between dye jobs with half an inch of roots showing. I would cost hundreds to keep it perfect all the time, and I can think of far better uses for that money. How freeing it would be to just let it grow.
Walking away from red hair last year was a shatteringly difficult thing to do. I was not prepared for how emotional I was going to be, how strongly I identified myself with my red hair. It was like I had given up a piece of my identity. A piece of my soul.
Now, in deciding to go even further and have my hair lightened to what is apparently my natural colour (dark ash blond, I am told, though I have not seen it other than in a half inch of roots for decades) with a healthy dose of silver, I am rocketing between a feeling of freedom and absolute panic.
And why? I suppose it is society, that expectation that you will not age, or that you will fight it tooth and nail. And while there is a definite trend towards embracing our grey and white and silver hair, I still think it will be a sign I have given up, that I am getting older, not trying, or some other such tripe.
And it is tripe, isn't it?
I have heard people, men mostly, state they are "not ready to have a wife with grey hair."
That statement in and of itself angers me, yet I have allowed it to sway me. Greatly, it seems. It is fine for a man to have silver or grey, but Goddess forbid a woman let it happen.
I love when I see other women say to hell with it and let their natural colours free. I laud it.
But do I have the courage?
I have decided I need to do it. This summer I think. My stylist James has suggested we take out the dark colour, get it as close as possible to my natural hue, and add a couple of blocks of startling silver near the front where it is already the heaviest concentration. I can always add a little purple or bright blue to funk things up. And a new sassy cut, a little shorter than I am now, one that will not take forever to grow out the hair damaged by all the chemical intervention.
Hair. My damned hair. I have threatened a time or two to just shave it all off and let it grow out as it pleases. But I know I would regret that, and I have been there, done that.
I don't know just why I am so tender about it. But in the end, it is just hair. And I am nearly 50, dammit. I think I have earned the right to do as I please without regard for anyone else's thoughts on what MY hair should look like.
And still I teeter between those emotions.
Poor James. The hysterics that have occurred in his chair when I have made drastic changes before must have him almost breathing in relief at the thought of me deciding to go natural. Or mostly natural. We will see what the summer brings!
Tuesday, March 20, 2018
Spring!!
And a blessed Ostara to all.
I have discovered I despise winter. At first it is ok. And if it was bracketed by set dates, say Dec. 1 to Feb. 15, I could be be more accepting of it. But this dragging on to an unknown and arbitrary date is just not cricket.
Of course the skiers, like our darling Dale, have a totally different take on this. Well, there is no accounting for some people!
It has been ages since I have written. I could blame Facebook, and I am sure that has something to do with it. But I think it really has more to do with certain things in my life that I cannot be totally frank and public about so it has hindered my writing somewhat. There are those who will spill all the beans and damn anyone and anything that it might affect, but I do not feel that way.
That is not to make anyone worry... I am fine. There are just things, you know?
I am still home on the range, so to speak. Desperately awaiting those warm winds and sunny days that will melt all the snow and allow for gardening and lawns and tree work and all the lovely warm weather things I love to do!
My lovely sons are all well, and my grandbeasties are truly the loves of my life now along with the my children. Who knew how amazing it would all be! They constantly amaze me, as does the rush of love and hope for the world when I look at them.
All in all, things are ticking along. I have to write more. Even if there are things that will need to remain unwritten for the foreseeable future, there are far more things that can be said. And it is a part of who I am, one I need to re-awaken.
Hope all of you are well, my darlings! I am off to have a peek at your blogs now.
xoxo
I have discovered I despise winter. At first it is ok. And if it was bracketed by set dates, say Dec. 1 to Feb. 15, I could be be more accepting of it. But this dragging on to an unknown and arbitrary date is just not cricket.
Of course the skiers, like our darling Dale, have a totally different take on this. Well, there is no accounting for some people!
It has been ages since I have written. I could blame Facebook, and I am sure that has something to do with it. But I think it really has more to do with certain things in my life that I cannot be totally frank and public about so it has hindered my writing somewhat. There are those who will spill all the beans and damn anyone and anything that it might affect, but I do not feel that way.
That is not to make anyone worry... I am fine. There are just things, you know?
I am still home on the range, so to speak. Desperately awaiting those warm winds and sunny days that will melt all the snow and allow for gardening and lawns and tree work and all the lovely warm weather things I love to do!
My lovely sons are all well, and my grandbeasties are truly the loves of my life now along with the my children. Who knew how amazing it would all be! They constantly amaze me, as does the rush of love and hope for the world when I look at them.
All in all, things are ticking along. I have to write more. Even if there are things that will need to remain unwritten for the foreseeable future, there are far more things that can be said. And it is a part of who I am, one I need to re-awaken.
Hope all of you are well, my darlings! I am off to have a peek at your blogs now.
xoxo
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