I could see the horses. All three of them. But Hollywood, a handsome and lovable, if lazy, gelding, was once again on the wrong side of the fence.
Tony piped up that I should just get a pail of grain and lead the horse down the fence line to the gate the way he does when this happens.
No way, says I, am I going to reward that naughty horse for his bad behaviour by giving him grain. Besides, no matter which side of the fence I am on, I will either have Hollywood crowding me for the pail, or the other two, Molly and Joe, who are on the right side of the fence.
So off I trudge, halter and lead in hand, squelching through the mud, climb through the barbed wire fence and get the halter on Hollywood.
I will translate what I believe to be an honest recollection of the conversation that ensued.
Me: How do you get through the fence? I can't see any spots where you could keep doing this.
Hollywood: I am magic.
Me: You are not magic. You are naughty, and if I find that spot I am going to fix it so you can't do this anymore.
Hollywood: Am so magic. My great grand-dam was part unicorn.
Me: You are lying. Let's go. We have a walk ahead of us.
Hollywood: Where's the grain?
Me: You don't get grain. Grain is a reward. You are naughty.
Hollywood: Tony brings grain when I do this.
Me: Tony is also naughty. Let's go.
About a hundred yards down, Hollywood stops.
Me: Come on, let's go.
Hollywood: Can't. The other horses are back the other way. Let's go back.
Me: No, we have to go this way, there is no gate on that side.
Hollywood: I miss them.
Me: Well then you shouldn't have done this.
After a little encouragement, we walk another hundred yards or so. Hollywood once again stops.
Me: What's wrong now?
Hollywood: There is something in that bush.
Me: It is just a bag. The wind must have caught it. I will pick it up while we go past.
Hollywood: SCARY BAG. Not going.
Me: Ok, I will tie you to this post and get the bag.
I tie the horse, walk over the get the scary bag, shove it in my pocket and go back to get the horse.
Hollywood: You are my hero. It could have killed us both.
Me: It was just a bag. We are almost there, let's go.
Hollywood: WAIT WAIT WAIT.
Me: Now what?
Hollywood: Gotta poop.
Which he proceeds to do.
Me: Are you ready now?
Hollywood, sighing heavily: I am so tired. Can't walk. I might be lame. Are you sure there is no grain? I am famished. Pity me.
Me: You are not tired. We barely walked a kilometre. And frankly, you are fat and you don't need any grain. A little exercise is good for you.
We finally reach the gate, unlatch it, walk through and latch it up again.
I take his halter off.
Hollywood: I am just going to do it again you know.
And with that parting shot, the pitiful, famished, possibly lame and exhausted Hollywood snorts at me, turns and runs like the wind back to his buddies in perhaps a 10th of the time it took him to walk to the gate.
Horses.
7 comments:
Oh Stevie, I'm crying with laughter here. This is brilliant! So so true. I love horses, but boy can they be frustrating....and daft...and smart too. Excellent. I've just read it to Koos too and he is chortling big time.
I am glad I made the two of you laugh! Hollywood is a very tricky horse. I swear he does this at least once every few months and for the life of me I cannot figure out where is us getting through!
Love this! Reminds me of the horses we used to have. You have great talent for writing humor & an awesome subject for that humor! Thanks for the chuckles!
Beautiful. I don't really think it's about horses at all.
He did it. Again. Today.
There are going to be some very close examinations of our fence line. ;)
Joe's behind it....he knows. So does Molly, and they laugh and laugh with Hollywood when he comes back to the herd. Come on, it's spring.....and it's boring being a horse!
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