Interestingly, to me at least, is how often people have told me over the past five or so years, how "good I look" and attributed it directly to my happiness.
Who am I to argue that I am happy? I certainly am.
But when I think of the past five years, and all that has gone on, I find myself looking inward and asking, "The past five years have been in many ways my hardest by far, so why is it people see me as so happy? Why am I?"
I have come to the conclusion that I am happy not in spite of the bad things that have occurred, but because I have chosen to be happy under any circumstance.
I am heading into another rather stressful situation, exceedingly so really, the details of which are irrelevant, as hard equals hard, no matter what the issue.
I suppose I could let it depress me. I suppose I could break under that weight.
But... why? What earthly purpose could that serve?
I could rail and cry, and ask why me, and I could blame others for the situation, feel sorry for myself and say the universe is unfair. I could do any number of things. But that would not change the outcome.
But taking it on, facing it, without all the boohoo stuff, that will change the outcome enormously.
Because in the long run, who and what I am is my choice.
Don't get me wrong. Of course I have those days, the ones I just want to stay in bed and cry and hide from the world. I wouldn't be human if I didn't.
But when I consider the me of several years ago, and how I would have reacted to this current situation, and the me of now, reacting as I am, well, those are two quite different people.
A facebook post from an old friend inspired this blog post.
It had to do with him having, for 15 years, wanting to move back here to the valley, but how "something always got in the way," and he realized there is no point going some place "you are not wanted," then ended it with "Oh and happy mother's day to all the mothers out there."
And all I could think was, "How sad to be so determined to be so very miserable, to be so determined to be the victim."
I think I recognize it because I used to be somewhat like that.
Of course, just as no one can tell an alcoholic to stop drinking, no one can tell a determined sad sack to cheer up and look at the bright side.
They have to come to that on their own.
It truly has been the death of a drama empress. (Oh I assure you, in my younger days I surpassed drama queen by several levels!)
We can choose. Oh my yes, we can choose.
I suspect I will not mourn the old girl I once was.
In fact, I may just dance on her grave.
;)
5 comments:
Aah, dearest Stevie, I can only speculate about what that hard situation is that you are going to be faced with, but I'm so glad to read that you are staying true to who you are, and that is not someone who enjoys being miserable. In that respect, you and I are alike! A great post, dear one, and whatever it is, know that you have heaps of support - even on the days you just want to stay in bed….xxxx
Life is sooooo very short.
And the only bit of it we have is this very moment now. Oh, and now that one's gone to.
Not even enough time to waste dancing on a grave.
Hugs and smiles from Nottingham.
I loved this. The only point I might (gently) argue is that there are people out there who are not blessed with sunny dispositions and who struggle much more than those who do. While it can be a choice to be happy, sometimes the chemicals in your brain conspire against you. I am just thankful that I tend to be a happy, joyful person by design or by the purest of DNA happenstance, or I would not have climbed out of the pit of despair that has defined my last year and half on and off.
Minor quibble over. So glad you're embracing the positive. Good luck with all of it. xx
Fair comment for sure Anne-Marie! And as someone who has struggled with depression over the years I should of course be more mindful of it.
:)
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